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Week after week, it’s a different cock in a frock rolled out to say something nasty about the gays, so it was with rolled eyes and resignation that I read the headline Gays ‘will never go to heaven’: cardinal. But then I stopped in my tracks. Let’s not tar this chap with the muppet brush too hastily…
Last week we learned all about the concept of ‘mental reservation‘ in the Catholic Church; a neat little trick that allows people such as the otherworldly Cardinal Desmond Connell to have a blemish-free conscience when allowing people to believe that which is not strictly true (kinda like when you were a kid and you believed that it was ok to tell porkies if you crossed your fingers behind your back).
This got me thinking. Surely Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan (me neither) couldn’t really believe that the GLBTs couldn’t get into Heaven? Surely a man of his education wouldn’t baldly state something like homosexuality is as a result of an ‘education issue’ or an identity disorder stemming from adolescence? I checked the calendar; it is indeed almost 2010 – so how can we explain his rather fruity statement?
Mental reservation of course! Let’s look more closely at his statement. The bits he certainly reserved mentally are in square brackets (more manly than those faggy roundy ones {and don’t get me started on the frankly outrageously camp squiggly brackets…}).
VATICAN CITY — Homosexuals and transsexuals “will never enter the kingdom of heaven [without a red carpet]“, a leading Roman Catholic cardinal said on Wednesday.
Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan said that while the Church regarded [outmoded notions of the wrongness of] homosexuality as an “insult to God”, this did not justify discrimination against gay and transsexual people.
“Transsexuals and homosexuals will never enter the kingdom of heaven [without a red carpet, paparazzi and some kind of Cirque du Soliel thing happening] and it is not me who says this, but Saint Paul [the Bible's very own prolific spambot] ,” the cardinal said, in comments reported by the Ansa news agency.
“People are not born [fabulously] homosexual, they become [beautiful, divatastically] homosexual, for different reasons: education [about grooming] issues or because they did not develop [unhealthy relationships with the handsy parish priest who obviously had some issues with] their own identity during adolescence. It may not be their fault, but acting against [their fierce beeatch] nature and the dignity of the human body is an insult to God [or 'Tyra' as we sometimes call Her],” he said.
There, I hope that clears it up. I think with this mental reservation concept, the Church will be able to get away with, well, just about anything now! Hurrah!
Thank goodness this got through my spam filter. Those 419ers have truly come of age….
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BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.
TEL: TEL: +2348037026106
Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.
TEL: TEL: +2348037026106
E-MAIL:( bcommission_37@yahoo.fr)
Attention Please
We are delegates from the British High Commission to pay 104 identified victims of 419 scam. You are listed and approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims. get back to us as soon as possible for the immediate payment of your compensation funds. On this faithful recommendations, I want you to know that during the last UN meetings held in Abuja, Nigeria, it was alarmed so much by the rest of the world in the meetings on the lose of funds by various foreigners to the scam artists operating in syndicates all over the world today, in other to retain the good image of the country, the president of the Country in collaboration with the British high commission is now paying 104 victims of this operators.
Due to the corrupt and inefficient banking systems in Nigeria, the payments are to be paid through (Mr. Robert Dewar) British high commission under funding assistance by the Central Bank of Nigeria. According to the number of applicants at hand, 84 proved victims has been paid, half of the victims are from the United States and Asia, we still have more 20 left to be paid the compensations.
Your particulars was mentioned as one of their victims of the operations by one of the syndicates who was arrested, you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason for whatsoever, the US secret service is already on trace of the criminal.
Your particulars was mentioned as one of their victims of the operations by one of the syndicates who was arrested, you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason for whatsoever, the US secret service is already on trace of the criminal.
You will receive your compensations payments via an ATM cashable at any ATM center around your country. I shall feed you with further modalities as soon as I hear from you. In reply, confirm your delivery information such as your:
1. contact telephone number
2. Delivery address.
2. Delivery address.
Respond with Your Personal information including your phone number.
You can also contact my office on: +TEL: +2348037026106.
You can also contact my office on: +TEL: +2348037026106.
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Robert B Dewar
British High Commission)
TEL: +2348037026106
Mr. Robert B Dewar
British High Commission)
TEL: +2348037026106
The Primate of the Catholic Church in Ireland, Sean Brady, has problems with the erosion of the idea of family in Ireland should civil partnership be introduced.
Thanks for your opinion, petal, and I do recognise the pressure on you to come up with new material for your money-generating audience each week, but this is, as the name suggests, a civil matter with some considerable consensus behind it.
Shouldn’t you be busy trying to reconstruct all those families destroyed by your organisation’s systemic practices over the last 100 years?
Just sayin’ is all…
I’m shamelessly nicking this from Miss Panti’s blog but it’s all worth it.
I have some friends who are/have been into stuff like homeopathy etc over the years and it’s always a struggle to maintain the “I respect your beliefs/But that’s utter codswallop” diplomatic balance. But alas, I do believe that homeopathy, crystals, angel therapy, Catholicism, Islam, Scientology, ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith etc are all just fanciful and elaborate ways of extracting money from the gullible.
Here is Dara O’Briain condensing Ben Goldacre’s career into 5 hilarious minutes.
The iTunes madness of u***g a*******s on vaguely rude words that started in the Irish store has now spread to the UK store. The heads over at Popjustice are having a g*y old time finding r**e words to p**y with.
I note that Sex On Fire is no longer on the blacklist, but Kanye West’s L**e Lockdown is. The evil, insidious Céline Dion is one tragic victim of the asterisk attack with sensitive iTunes users being protected from her wanton use of that four-letter word. Similarly, the kids are shielded from that brassy Cecilia Ahern’s flagrant disrespectful use of the offending word in the audiobook of PS: I L**e You.
Meanwhile, you can download most of Anal Cunt’s back catalogue unrestricted. Hooray!
It seems that ‘love’ is truly a four-letter word in Appleland.
Silly b******s.
UPDATE: A***e have broken their silence. It’s a database glitch and they’re not sure why it’s h*******g it seems. What japes!
“No, I’ll just touch his hip up a liiitle bit more… oops.. ok, I’ll just make it look the same on the other side… oops… maybe if I use the healing tool, I promise I won’t use too mu… oops…”
To see really fucked-up Photoshop jobs, try Photoshop Disasters. Minutes of fun!
