- You are a real person. Delightful as it is may be chased by busty spam ladies, if you are a human being, you are past the first hurdle.
- You are not a person, but you are a personable entity. I’m either genuinely interested in you (@guardian, @TheWordMagazine) or I’m keeping tabs on you. Either way, businesses on Twitter work best when operated by a person who actually understands Twitter.
- You *really* understand that it’s a dialogue. Yes, Twitter can be part of your brand strategy or marketing or whatever, but I’ll be unfollowing you if you see Twitter as a series of short press releases rather than an opportunity to engage. I’m looking at you @TopmanUK.
- You don’t connect your Twitter with your Facebook. Or at least if you do, you don’t update your status a zillion times a day. I’m in both, so I’ll see everything twice. (But, of course, not for very long.)
- You don’t hate everything. I understand passion and anger and the desire for things to be better. But when your Tweets are just constant variations of ‘x is racist’, ‘y is corrupt’, ‘z is stupid’, you’re that old moan at the cocktail party that can’t understand why people are making excuses to go freshen their drinks. Lighten up, luv.
- Related to 5; you can put things into perspective. Do you really hate that X Factor contestant? I mean really really? If you “hate” such people, where do you stand on, say, Iran hanging gay teenagers? Equally, coming on Twitter during X Factor to say “It’s a DISGRACE that people are more concerned about some reality show instead of the plight of [insert tragedy/noble cause]”. Let people enjoy themselves for a goddamn hour, m’kay?
- You share. You are interested in things and you reckon other people might be too. You send links (with a little explanation); you Retweet other people’s good stuff; you reply and you acknowledge. You make Twitter a little better by sharing (and not just stuff that mentions how wonderful someone thinks your new comedy DVD is).
- But you don’t share your penis. Twitter is a global cocktail party where you are surrounded by all sorts of people who know you, know your friends or maybe are (currently) strangers. Keep it in your pants, boys (or get a room elsewhere fer Chrissakes…).
- You are the spiritual heir to Dorothy Parker. Almost everything above can be overlooked if you are entertainingly witty. Not too many people are Wildean by nature though; it takes craft/graft.
- You don’t take yourself terribly seriously. Oh, go on, lol a little. 🙂
- You follow me and you think I’m amazing. (Hey, I’m only human! VALIDATE ME!)
Still here? You can, um, follow me on Twitter. (I’m nice really!)